I am happy to report that our big girl spent her first night in her big girl room! I swear I am "happy" about this. I did however cry myself to sleep last night. I didn't think that I would feel any sort of sadness with this minor change, but I did. Although I have never been fond of any type of change I didn't expect to sob into my pillow last night. (Pretty sure Chris wasn't ready for that response either!). I did fine with putting her to bed. Chris actually placed her in her crib at bedtime. She cried and it lasted longer than the normal 30 seconds so he went in to check on her. He came back to the living room a little shook up because he said the minute she saw him enter her room she started saying "okay, sniff sniff, okay, sniff sniff, okay" almost comforting herself that everything was okay since her daddy was there. Chris said he picked her up and snuggled her for a second while she told herself it was okay and then felt terrible when he had to lay her back down and she started crying again. We made ourselves let her cry it out while we tried to stay busy taking down the last of the Christmas decorations. She only cried out for another 5-10 minutes and then she was silent. I felt fine about the whole ordeal and was so proud of her for calming herself down and putting herself to sleep in her new room. We relaxed and watched t.v. and then I decided to head back to our room. That is when I fell apart. This tremendous sadness came over me as I walked past her old room and saw it empty. My little baby was not in the baby room anymore, she was in a "big girl" room (only one door down!). I suddenly realized that this was a "change" and that an era had ended and I started bawling! I tried to get it together in the bathroom before Chris saw me, but failed. I couldn't stop crying. It was awful. Then the feelings of guilt started to creep into my head. Was I rushing Ryan out of the baby phase because of the new baby? Was she being cheated? Would she always know how special she is and that the world revolves around her in our eyes. Would I still be able to show her how much I love her while caring for a newborn? Snowball effect- the guilty thoughts and tears kept coming! Thankfully I have many friends who have two children close in age and they have validated these feelings I have and let me know that I am not alone. Apparently this is all normal and all moms feel this way. They have also assured me that I am giving Ryan a gift. We are adding to her life a sibling, not taking anything away. They have also assured me that my heart will grow and I will have enough love to go around for both of my babies. I believe them. I think guilt and worrying just come hand in hand with motherhood. It is worth every wrinkle and grey hair that I am earning!
Ryan ended up sleeping all night. I, on the other hand, did not. After crying and worrying for an hour I drifted off to sleep only to awaken 2 hours later with AWFUL indigestion. And then the last five hours I had to sleep I was up 3 times to pee and one time with the worst calf cramp ever! Ugh! Chris slept like a baby! I guess I am in training mode for nighttime feedings. As far as Chris is concerned our newborns sleep through the night from day one!
One more big girl milestone has occurred. This one didn't make me cry (yet)- Ryan told Chris that she pooped this morning! This is a big deal! Lately we have been asking her if she pooped when we know she has to try and make her aware. Well, this morning she told him she had before he asked. Such a big girl! I am sure I will find a reason to cry about this tomorrow.
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